Families which have strong, long lasting relationships often exhibit a mindset that reflects expeditionary behaviour, an idea I came across while  reading An Astronauts Guide to Life on Earth by Chris Hadfield a while back. 

An expeditionary mindset is when couples or families come together around a common goal. A goal which can contributes to the people or community around them—even if just on a really personally scale.

When families act without an expeditionary mindset, they often settle into resentful complaining or an “us against the world” (or against those different from us) mentality, which can seem to draw families together toward each other. 

But Chris Hadfield described that while:

“Comparing notes on how unfair or difficult or ridiculous something is does promote bonding – and sometimes that’s why griping continues, because it’s reinforcing an us-against-the-world feeling. Very quickly, though, the warmth of unity morphs to the sourness of resentment, which makes hardships seen even more intolerable and doesn’t help get the job done. Whining is the antithesis of expeditionary behaviour, which is about rallying troops around a common goal.”

    -Chrid Hadfield, An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth [emphasis mine]

A family centered on positive contribution is more resilient than one focused on oppositionary ideals.

An expeditionary mindset also helps us define our families through complex stories which have generous margin for detours, failures, or surprises. The risk of not having this margin is that when things don’t go our way—which will inevitably happen at some point—it can become unbearable to adapt, learn and find happiness in the new phase of the family.

So aside from whining or griping, here’s my list of 4 signs your family might be missing an expeditionary mindset (and 4 way to change that).

1. You spend your time reacting to others instead looking for a better option

I used to work at a summer camp, and one year whenever something went wrong, I would spend my time criticizing poor decisions (at least I thought they were poor), while not so quietly boasting about how I would have made things much better. I did not share an expeditionary mindset.

Without an expeditionary mindset, I was clear about my dissatisfaction with the status quo, but not invested in rallying toward finding a new route forward or even participating in the common goal. 

Non-expeditionary stories are often more about proving someone wrong than they are about discovery, experiences, or making the world better. While I’m a huge fan of resisting, or defying oppressive rules, systems or people, an expeditionary mindset lets you stand against something in an effort to build something new.  

An expedition to find a better way, to promote equal rights, or to make a positive impact so the world is a better place is different than opposition for opposition’s sake.  

2. You get angry when normal isn’t working… and then you quit.

I’m not suggesting that we should never find a new setting for work or school, but not having the capacity to step into the unknown and learn or try something new is a sign that you’re missing expeditionary behaviour.  

In the 1800’s, when the Franklin Expedition was trying to boat through the Northwest Passage of the Canadian arctic they thought they had a valuable supplies due to the new invention canned food sealed with lead solder. When their ships had been stuck for a long time, and the lead poisoning had likely impeded their judgment, they eventually set out across the tundra on foot… and died anyway. 

Okay, bad example. BUT… having a drink with the new neighbours, isn’t really likely to have the the horrible outcome your thoughts and fears are telling you might occur. Or the same severity of consequences the Franklin expedition experienced.

If you aren’t celebrating and re-telling the stories of expeditionary behaviour your family’s done in the past, you aren’t likely to try a new or vulnerable opportunity when you need to try something different.  

3. Each person is only working toward their own goals

Sure, we each have goals, and your kiddo’s unit math test, is a different goal than your project deadline. But, if we zoom out and find that each person is solely self responsible to create the life they want, or your promotion at work will solely increase your disposable income for golf trips, we need to reassess the goals.  

These shared goals, or common rallying points might be working towards enabling each kid to pursue a life a career which is appropriate for their desires and values, and excelling during difficult season at work might be necessary to contribute to family wellness in the future.  

If family members can’t put together how their roles and work contribute to shared goals and values, it could be a sign that the family doesn’t have an expeditionary mindset.  

4. The default response is “well that’s your problem.” 

Problems will inevitably come up if a common goal is worth achieving. An expeditionary identity in a family sees these problems as something that affects everyone (either directly or indirectly), and works together to find or support a solution.  

Seeing that each person’s win contributes to the shared goal, and collaborating with others to solve problems is a mark of expeditionary behaviour. 

When everyone has to solve their own problems, we become disconnected, as some people are stuck, and other move ahead. By working together on each other’s problems, we solve each problem more quickly, and spend more time moving forward together.  

The caveat is that each person need to feel safe being vulnerable enough to share that they’re experiencing a roadblock so that the rest of the team can rally around them. 

4 Ideas to Develop an Expeditionary Mindset in Your Family.

1. Celebrate expeditionary stories

The stories that we celebrate are the ones that define us. When we start to notice which stories are expeditionary, and we notice the strengths, teamwork, and dedication it took for the stories to exist, we have the opportunity to celebrate stories.  

Sometimes celebrating stories is as simple as telling them at the dinner table, other times it can look like a small party of a big party. Celebrating expeditionary stories can also look like remembering it’s anniversary, getting a card or a cake, or getting together with those close to us. 

Our families are defined by the stories we celebrate. 

Talking about other people’s expeditionary stories in front of their faces (rather than behind their backs) is one of the best simple ways to celebrate stories. Can it be a little embarrassing? Sure! But it also shows that we noticed what it took for someone else’ story to exist, and that we think it’s worth the time of the person we’re talking to. 

2. Create a culture where it’s okay to experience roadblocks. 

An expedition without any roadblock isn’t worth taking. We thrive off of overcoming obstacles.  Video game developers know that aside from the desire to feel known and valued (which social media hands out like candy), one of our strongest motivators is the feeling of mastery through overcoming adversity.

The challenge is that we often expect everything in our lives to come to us without experiencing any roadblocks along the way.

When we can normalize experiencing roadblocks, in our family it makes it okay to talk about our struggles. 

3. Practice separating problems from people

It’s easy to label a person as the problem, cut them off, and carry on with our own lives. 

Now, I’m definitely NOT against boundaries, and there are times when we need good boundaries.  But I also believe that many times we learn after the fact that we contributed as much to the problem as the other person did. And as a result, the problem followed us after we cut them off.  

When we can separate problems from people, we can see how the problem is affecting the progress toward our common goal, and then engage in problem solving together.

Even if one or two people are in a position of responsibility over the effect of the problem, working together to overcome the problem and move toward a goal is a far more effective response than just waiting for one of the other people to get it right.  

4. Get used to broadcasting the challenges (and the lessons)

The good stories aren’t the ones with no challenges, they’re the ones where people overcome adversity.  Broadcasting out challenges can be risky at first. How will the rest of the family respond? When if they think I’m stupid or incompetent? 

But it also provides an opportunity to broadcast the lessons from challenges. Whether you succeed or not, developing an expeditionary mindset requires to identify the things we learned from challenges we face.  

If the challenge blocks our way, an expeditionary mindset can go around or change direction. If we overcome a challenge, and expeditionary mindset highlights that experience away so that it can be shared for others benefit, or used in the future.